I have a sticky note near my desk at home. It reads 4 simple things:
- Contempt
- Criticism
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
A few years ago, when hitting a bit of a rough patch in my marriage, my husband sent me a Gottman article about The Four Horseman. As much as I wanted to shoot him an evil eye, I read the article and digested it. Honestly, it was a major wake up call. I can’t always be perfect, 365 days a year, and 24 hours a day. That’s for sure! But every now and then when I feel myself sliding down into certain behaviors, I pull it out.
If I take these four things away from my life, I live a much happier life and so does my family. Contempt: I can’t show anger or disgust towards my husband. I have to remember that we are different people and I can only control myself. Criticism: I can’t criticize him over and over again. This includes the little things in life. They mean nothing so let it go! Defensiveness: I can’t always play the victim. Now this one is hard because I think I sometimes confuse being the victim with being heard or hurt. It takes a lot of deep down searching and tongue biting to not go on the defensive, but truly no one wants to play that role. Lastly, stonewalling. I may have invented this! I am always the first to walk away because I need a mental break. However, that’s not going to get us anywhere.
We all know that marriage is work. Hard work at that and nobody is perfect. How do you stay connected and keep your marriage in a good place?
